MS-DOS 5 Upgrade Rap Video Transcript (RC1)

[Propaganda Time: MS affiliates are so punctual and so hot and horny for the latest technology from Microsoft!!]

DOSGIRLS: Ooooooo~!

[Microsoft's Colonel Sanders ROLLS IN!!]

DOSMAN: WELCOME! to the Microsoft MS-DOS 5 Upgrade training! This is the first time that MS-DOS has been AVAILABLE AS AN UPGRADE!! IT'S....

[Run chroma key video inline]

DOSMAN: NEW!!

[DOSDANCE]

DOSMAN:
We're introducing something new,
It's essential for all, the the many and the few!!

DOSGIRLS:
It's in your store, Ooooo~!
Microsoft wants to!


DOSMAN:
The MS-DOS upgrade is a hit,
And No PC Should Be Without It!

DOSGIRLS: No PC Should be Without it!

DOSMAN:
There are 3 key benefits to the MS-DOS 5 upgrade!
OK, Girls, SHRINK IT DOWN!!

[MSSHRINK]


1. Free More Memory

It's late at night, you're feelin' right,
Working at your PC, YO!

Your face turns green 'cos the word on the screen is:
You're OUT OF MEMORY!!

[I FORGET.]

DOSGIRLS: OH NO!!

Note: This must be the earliest glimpse of whatever operation at Microsoft to make error messages as Dumb Blonde Human readable as possible. This initiative was somewhat fulfilled with Windows Vista, with its highly "dejargonated" system dialog text and labels.

DOSMAN: GIMMIE 5!!

DOSGIRLS: GIMMIE 5!!

DOSMAN: GIMMIE 5!!

DOSGIRLS: GIMMIE 5!!

DOSMAN: Upgrade to MS-DOS 5, make DOS applications COME ALIVE!!

DOSGIRLS:
Free more memory, can't you see
Spare those games, they've got to be FREE!!!

DOSMAN: GIMMIE 5!!

DOSGIRLS: GIMMIE 5!!

DOSMAN:
Suits any memory hogging beast,
'Cos it frees 45K of memory at least!
And that's why with everyone who's in DOS, it's also the BEST DOS to run with WINDOWS!!

DOSMAN: GIMMIE 5!!

DOSGIRLS: GIMMIE 5!!

[Magical MOUSE appears!!]



2. Easy to Use

DOSMAN:
If you think MS DOS is a mystery? Admit it!
MS-DOS 5 is easier, here's how we did it!

We gave it a GRAPHICAL SHELL, that's a ticket!
It's DOS with a prettier face, yo'll kick it!


DOSGIRLS:
Lookin' good, uh huh!
Like it should, uh huh!

DOSMAN:
To copy files from Drive to Drive,
Just drag and drop, GIMMIE 5!!

Wondering' what command to use?
Select from our DROP DOWN MENU!!

DOSGIRLS:
The Graphical Shell do tell,
The Mystery's gone, go on!

DOSMAN:
Plus Online Help, Task Swapper, Editor,
And lots of features that help you do more.

One command helps you take the heat,
When you really mess up,

DOSMAN+DOSGIRLS: UNDELETE!!



3. Safe and Easy to Install

DOSGIRLS:
The MSDOS 5 upgrade is sleek,
Even from the network, installs real quick!!

DOSMAN:
Loads over ANY DOS ON ANYONE'S PC,
But now you may be wondering "HOW SAFE CAN IT BE?"

DOSGIRLS:
I'll ask that, (yeah) and so would I!
I want to know more, before I buy!

DOSMAN:
Micro-soft said HEAR THIS RHYME,
We'll test this upgrade BIG TIME!!

DOSGIRLS: HIT IT!!

[C:\DOS>MSSMASH]

DOSMAN:
Branded biggest beta test in PC history,
Hammer at it 'yo END IT MOST TRIUMPHANTLY!!

DOSGIRLS:
NO PC should be without it!
NO PC should be without it!

DOSMAN:
This MS-DOS 5 upgrade tells,
The yin and yang with MEGA SALES!!

Here's the future it's no dream,
CUSTOMERS IN A STEADY STREAM!!

DOS has 60 Million Users Waiting!!
Time for them all to be UPGRADING!!


DOSGIRLS:
EVERYBODY DOS NOW!!
EVERYBODY DOS NOW!!

DOSMAN:
MS-DOS 5 sells easy when you tell it
The only thing easier is when you SELL IT!!

It's gonna be a cash machine for you,
Upgrading is the NATURAL THING TO DO!!

DOSMAN: GIMMIE 5!!

DOSGIRLS: GIMMIE 5!!

DOSMAN: GIMMIE 5!!

DOSGIRLS: GIMMIE 5!!

DOSMAN:
Alone or an add-on, this product is a hit,
NO PC SHOULD BE WITHOUT IT!!

MS-DOS 5 upgrade, take that image further
It's like SELLING FRIES WITH EVERY BURGER!!

DOSGIRLS:
MS-DOS 5 Upgrade with that?
MS-DOS 5 Upgrade with that?

DOSMAN: NO PC SHOULD BE WITHOUT IT!!

DOSGIRLS:
NO PC SHOULD BE WITHOUT IT!!
NO PC SHOULD BE WITHOUT IT!!
NO PC SHOULD BE WITHOUT IT!!
....

[Everybody DOSDANCE NOW!!]

Repeat ad nauseum until rescued by very abrupt fadeout.



Microsoft
MS-DOS 5 Upgrade
The Video
YO! MS Raps